Niko upper, unaeza kam tupatane apa UoN? Now Ken, this is not something you tell someone who has just landed in Nairobi for the first time from Nyeri. He probably has a mutungo (boiled maize) or tea in a Coca-Cola bottle. And he definitely does not know where UoN or Upper hill or anywhere for that matter is. He is from Nyeri of all other places man, he only cares about Uhuru and Jubilee and has an accent. He probably does not know the difference between ‘sh’ and ‘ch’ or ‘L’ and ‘R’. He could be the kind that says “ile R inakuanga na kamti apa shini” to mean L. So again Ken, this is not something you tell someone who just arrived in Nairobi from Nyeri.

The guy who just landed in Nairobi from Nyeri is me and the year is 2018. What? It is not written in the constitution that you must go to Nairobi, is it? And fuck you if you think I have a mutungo and tea in a Coca-Cola bottle. Also fuck you if you think I don’t know the difference between ‘ch’ and ‘sh’. I am definitely not wearing oversized jeans or a jubilee t-shirt. Isn’t that what Nairobi people think Nyeri people wear? I also don’t have brown teeth because Nyeri is not Murang'a. I am not even from Nyeri originally but Laikipia which would make it worse because Nairobi people would think I am Maa (A tribe which faces extinction). They would also expect me to arrive in a masai regalia and do one jump at archives and that would be more Laikipian.

So let me stick with Nyeri.

Yes I am in jeans that are not oversized and a t-shirt that is not jubilee and a hoodie, a red hoodie. If you have seen a guy stranded at archives with a red hoodie making calls to Ken, that was me. So Ken thinks that I will just walk and call him when I am at UoN. These Nairobi people think they have made it in life, is it not the same Ken who asked me kama tumefika globe? What is globe? Now I’m at archives and I can’t move an inch. Because, well, I will get lost and will have my phone stolen and that will be bad news. If you are from outside Nairobi, there are stories about Nairobi and typically anywhere that are given and these stories shape the thinking of people towards those places.  For Nairobi, its crime. The first time you go to Nairobi, your wallet and phone will be stolen. So when I arrive at tea room, my focus shifts from everything else in the world to three things; my wallet, my phone and the person behind me every time. It works, I don’t get mugged.

There is always that guy you call when you can’t figure out things, mine is Chris. He is not really handy but he does just fine. He does not know Nairobi any better than I do (he does not know anything any better than I do) but I call him and ask him where UoN was. He hangs up googles where UoN is and calls back and gives me directions which don’t help. All this time God is watching the suffering of His child in a city full of evil and He speaks. When God speaks, you listen, not like you have a choice. You see God knows when you are about to get embarrassed and He sends his angel in form of a low battery on your phone and it switches off saving you from what was coming.

I can’t look for Ken now that my phone is off.

Like all first timers in Nairobi I wander and find myself at KICC. I have some money and I pay to view Nairobi from their rooftop.  A lift up the 27th floor full of school kids from Kapsabet, I know because they speak like they are from Kapsabet. How do I know how people from Kapsabet speak? Because I know.  The view is nice, more than nice. 360 view of Nairobi. With all its mess and chaos but it has an aura. An aura that tells me this is where I will figure out life. It is that aura that tells me Nairobi is the city that makes or breaks you. It is the chaos and the people going about their business not caring about anything else that makes it what it is. I stop and thing where Ken is now, I wonder what he was doing at upper hill and ask myself whether Nairobi was making him or breaking him.

I see parliament and wonder how one building would host so many savage people. I see it all, the green Afya centre and wonder if kambas still say “avia senda” when referring to it. A city that has no architectural masterpieces except for a few coming up. A city on the rise. The Chinese contractors shaping the new skyline and infrastructure for this city and their plan to run our country. All this I see and digest. I feel lost in this beautiful mess that I forget about the kids from Kapsabet who are now super excited about all this. I know a boy who will go back and tell his family about their escapades in Nairobi or his girlfriend if he has one, do boys in Kapsabet have girlfriends? I am tempted to ask one if he does but I don’t.  I can feel the excitement in the lift as we go down from the rooftop with a mixture of sweat and perfume and that kafeeling you get from the lift.

As I seat on that 2NK matatu which I found the way to alone and did not even include in this article. I feel a sense of pride in myself for the achievement I have made. I went to Nairobi , is that an achievement? No? OK.  I see the goddamn UoN towers on my way out of town but it’s too late.

I will come back Nairobi don’t worry I will.