You will die on a Monday morning, very early before the birds start chirping. All good people die on Monday mornings and if you are bad, you will die on a Sunday night. If I were you, I’d choose to die on a Monday morning and that is the reason this story starts with you dying on a Monday morning. I don’t know the exact reason for your death (I’m no witch, I’m just a guy who writes) but I know you will be ready to die. My nurse friend told me they are always ready, it’s like they see it coming. And because you’re human, you will be ready either knowingly or unknowingly.  The previous day, you will have texted your kid brother on WhatsApp and you will talk about random things like normal people (assuming you are normal). You would also chat and call or be called by some of your close friends the previous night. It will be a normal night, at least according to you but this will be the last night of your life. You will be happy, per se.
It will be 4 AM in the morning, I don’t know what will happen but by this time, I know you will die. You will die on your way to hospital for a short illness or a long illness (Whichever suits you). The events that will follow this morning will be intense. You will die on your mom’s hands and this will kill her. She will cry until her chest hurt, her heart will ache for you then more than ever. She will ask God why this had to happen to her, why her young son or daughter would die on her arms. God will not answer her; He will be silent in heaven watching this like it is His favorite series. I’m not sure who they will call first to let them know you are dead but I am sure it will not be your closest brother or sister.  Everyone else will know about your death first except your closest siblings.  A few hours later your brother or sister will learn about your death and day one will officially begin…
Day 1
Day one will be the denial day. Everyone will be shocked. Your friends, the ones who can cry (most of your friends can’t) will cry. The kind of cry that mixes with laughter because they will not believe you are gone never to be seen again. They will think it’s a joke; they will remember all the good times and laugh because you were the last person they expected to die. They will call each other and ask what happened; they will act all caring. Even the ones who will not have called in the last 6 months will call your phone. They will expect you to answer but you will be dead, like dead dead. Your brother or sister will cuddle the pillow and cry their senses out. They will soak the pillow with tears; the kind of cry that you can’t control, they will hate God and wonder what kind of God lets their brother or sister die. Facebook will flood with photos of you. You will be tagged in photos and stories about you by people who would not reply your DMs. You will be dead.
Day 2, 3 and 4
Too much will happen on these days. The events however, will be similar on these three days. Facebook will know about your high school photos thanks to your friends. They will post nice things about you, things they would never say to you. They will open WhatsApp groups with funny names, like “RIP [Insert your name]” or “we will miss you [also insert your name] “. They will suggest on those WhatsApp groups ways to treat you right. Someone will suggest they should contribute money towards the course but most of them will go offline when this comes up. Please don’t blame them, most of them will be added on those groups against their will and others will be just broke. It will be your fault; you will not have given them a notice of your death. Your family will crush. The pain your mother will be going through cannot be explained in an article on a free blogging platform. Your dad will play the man of the house but deep inside he will be crumbling. He will cry but no one will see that. They will only see the red eyes and swollen eye bags. Your brother or sister will be 300 kms away and will just let tears flow freely on the screen of his or her phone upon reading the posts and stories on facebook. 
Your burial plans will now be full-fledged. Your rich uncle, who would not get you a job when you were alive, will be very helpful. He will send money for the plans and even offer to buy you an expensive coffin. He will land in the village and book a room in the most expensive hotel in your town, just to be close to the family in these hard times. His range rover will shock the whole village and give you a short-lived feel of importance in your death. Disco matanga will be fun for the village boys; they will light bonfires and give jokes. They will cheer and play dare to raise small monies for you. By now you will be lying cold in that freezer waiting for day 5. Some relatives will come see you in the morgue just to have stories for the future. They will talk about you in low tones; some will even say they expected you to die. Rumors and speculations will also be rife. They will say they know exactly what killed. As day 4 turns into night everyone will get ready for day 5… Your burial.
Day 5
This will be your day. People will wake up early and prepare their sad clothes for a day out. Some will be coming from far (Nairobi, it’s always Nairobi) and others from the village. Your family will wake up early so that they do not delay at the morgue. They will wear their sad clothes too and dry up their tears ready to come pick you up at the morgue. All of them. You will be dressed in some nice clothes, probably a suit or a cream dress if you are a girl. The new friend you made at the morgue (pun intended) will leave first and then your family will be next. The viewing will be emotional, some of your cousins will faint and the strong ones will just cry. Your brother or sister who may or may not be writing this will be assigned a cousin to hold him or her. The morgue grounds will turn into something else that can also not be explained in this article. There will be a cloud of pain and loss but you will not feel it because well, you are dead.
The convoy will snake its way into the village with lights on and red flags. It would a beautiful thing on a different circumstance but what’s beauty in the midst of pain? You will be lying inside a beautiful white casket in a beautiful suit or a cream dress not feeling the texture of the cotton lining of the casket. Little cries will be heard from different vehicles in the convoy. People close to you will each have an assistant to hold them, just so that they don’t go crazy. I mean think about it, someone close to you going crazy on your funeral... that would kill you.
Your cousins, in their branded t-shirts with your facebook profile picture and dark shades will be present. They will take selfies and talk about you and say they missed you. Most of them will however not have your number and the only memory of you they will have will be those from your childhood when their parents would send them to the village on holidays.  It will be crowded. The opposite of what you thought was a perfect funeral in the movies.  There will be nothing perfect about your funeral; it will not be special for you or anyone close to you. Mostly not for you because like all other functions about you, you will not be present. No one will tell you about it either, they will not talk about it. 
Everything and everyone will hold on together until that moment. The moment when the village pastor will read that default funeral verse.  Hell will break loose when the first ball of earth will hit that white casket, the unseen force holding everyone will let go and things will fall. There is something about how the amplified sound of earth hitting the casket that gets into peoples minds. It is a slap on the face that this is how it ends. What if you had not really died and were just in a coma? What if it was a prank? Why would they bury you six feet? What if you wanted to come out to pee after two days? This is the “You may now kiss the bride” of a funeral. People who can faint will faint and those who can’t will just cry letting out the pain. After you family and other people close to you, the villagers will bury you in a second.
A cross facing Mount Kenya will be mounted on the heap of soil. This will be your home until Jesus returns, if he will.
Like all parties, food will be the other highlight of your funeral. Nairobi people first then everyone else will feast on the food. After which everyone will leave into their homes for some evening stories of your death and funeral. Your family will be left to mourn the death of a son or daughter, a sister or brother and a cousin. They will mourn you for a lifetime because no matter how useless you think you were to them, you will never be replaceable before them. The world will move on (I’m sorry) and you will be replaced. The job that took all your time will be advertised and your position will be filled.